Rizzle

9:47am: Im glad i feel the way i do. Its pushing me to do things that i normaly wouldnt. Its making me see old things in a whole new light.
TOnight could be the night.

As for an update....
Me and Cassi arent rooming together. Its a bummer :( But i guess you just have to roll with the punches.

AANDDDDD...i like this guy <3
I dunno...i doubt anyone would take me seriously and i guess thats okay to.
Its been awhile since i've been excited to see someone even after i actually see them.

Im just dwellling on how to tell him <3

I guess lifes just moving along one bong hit at a time...its nice <3 Kira is coming down on the 29th and Jimbo is back on Sunday! Boy, i miss them both!

10:08am: The roadddd trippppp
My baby made it!
Seriously, its cause for celebration.
My mind is all over the place...but as for the road trip
It was amazing.
Exactally what i needed before college.
It was like a real adventure
<3
I laughed and had more fun than i should have :)

But seriously...im wierd...you just wouldnt beleive it if i told you...or mabye you would.

8:21am: Im scared of what my decisions could change. I am optomistic towards the future and change. I am still waiting to exhail...waiting for my dreams, and knowing that this is not it.

"Now im think mabye i was stoned
I felt my feet lift off the grownd
and my heart was screaming at my bones
i need you closer
as hes in the middle of the street
and then i pretend hes mine to keep
cars are running fast on both sides of his head
his eyes are closer closer closer
i met him when the sun was down
the bar was closed
we both have had no sleep
my face benieth the street lamp
it reviewes what it is
lonely peoples secrets
closer closer
closer closer
your close enough to lose
close to the point to where you know your mind it cannot chooose
close enough to loose
close enough to loose your heart
now im thinking mabye
i was stoned
i felt my feet lift off the ground
and my heart was screaming
at my bones
i need you closer
closer closer \
YTou met me when the sun was down
and the bar was closed
we bnoth have had no sleep
my face benieth the street lamp
My face reviews what it is
lonely peoples secrets
closer closer
closer closer
your close enough to lose
close to the point to where you know your mind it cannot chooose
close enough to loose"

9:17pm: Fine...fire me.
Its almost not worth the money.

10:06am: "Her mom named her that because MAD COW was already taken."
"That is the most blunt* joke i've herd all day."
FACT

She inspires me to write angry girl rock lyrics in my head.

<3

11:27pm: I recieved this letter out of the blue...


hey rache, im so scared im doing the wrong things with my life. and i try and make everything seem so perfect but in reality I wish I could just escape way aways and get shitafced. I keep digging through memories of me and you, and just thinking about all the good times I've had with you. It's impossible to repeat the fun I had with you through out the years. I'm going to make a huge list of things I remember just to get a good laugh for myself. here it goes...
Remember When?

- we went to the woods with alex, raif, and raven and had drinks with that one guy in the forest at the ranch.
- we put notes on everyones sleeping gear to get them to move it, and then there was an announcement lol.
- we kissed eachother by accident when we were drunk and taking pictures at eddie's
- we cried our eyes out during our last summer night together.
- we went mini golfing and you hit the ball across everyone elses courses
- we went go karting
- we went on the sling shot, and

Kira- this wasnt a good idea
Rachel - oh my god your right!!!
and then we got released lol

- all the times at the ranch playing soccer... there were so many good times.
- we went shopping and tried all the clothes on and took pictures in olympia (the leather pants oh hot)
- you made me take the beer bong, and i was completely shitfaced, then you took care of me
- we went to the waterslides in washington, and that one little boy was having a water enima from the jets at the crazy carpet slide
- we went to the waterslides in canada and i almost punched that guy out, and then mom ran into that guy's back and told the life guard
- the song dice and all the pictures we took during the one weekend in canada
- we went golfing with dad, and he tripped and went down like a whale... ahhahahahhaha then rolled around while we struggled not to laugh
- eating breakfast when we thought we had to eat ALL the ham
- prom night, getting sprinkles all over you
- sleeping in the same sleeping bag, with the hot water bottle.. and then wondering why our bums where sore the next morning (answer.. thong underwear)
- kicking you while i was sleeping
- punching me with your bum while you were sleeping
- "poutine"...what.... pooontang???
- getting an illegal tattoo in canada
- pretending i was a foreign person with cassies dad
- playing spys on teh ground of the arena floor.. yeah we got pretty funny looks lol
- sweating our asses off in the car on the way to canada
- getting stung by bees on our adventure in the creeek.
- me getting my leg all cut up from when you sprinted ahead of me and i had tp push you over the log
- going through the calvert and jumpinh into the creek pool.
- "did you really say SHITSTORM?"
- when we played asshole with arianne, eddie, camron, alex, and natalie and i cleaned my beer up before it hit the table.. by licking the length of the bottle hahaha
- "theres is two kinds of buddies. theres the "heyyy budddy" and then theres the "heyy buddy i want to touch you." hahahaha
-kevin kanada peed his pants
- you whipped creamed eddie's nipples and it was hilrious
- we had absinthe and you saw alien head on the shower curtain things.
-miguel and tulio, tuliooo and miguel..mighty and powerful gods
- the brains and the brawn
----------->
thats all i can think of right now ill add more to the list when i think of more. thinking of you makes me home sick darling, i cant wait to see you. ps.. im posting this as a blog so i can update it.
<3Kira


Its long and you prolly wont read it all because it doenst mean anything to anyone who wasnt there...to me it means the word. Im so lucky to have someone that cares about me that much and whom i care about equally. Im so lucky to have someone i can share that many laughs with.

We dont even live in the same country.
And she's the most resposible, hard working, level headed, honest, loyal person i know.

We've made it work for years. I know she will always be in my life.

We've already survived the impossible

A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP.

I have so much to look back on...i feel like one of the luckiest people alive.

11:10am: Im feeling Whimsical...
Summer is half over and its just begining.

Niki is leaving
:(
Its funny...WHENEVER im in a rut...or a situation brings my happy factor to a 0...i think of that girl. Im all like "Im gonna call niki and go on some crazy adventure and prolly die! She's lucky that she brings that kind of fire and excitment to peoples lives...Im lucky i know someone that crazy! I wonder who i will be able to call when i reach the very end of my rope now?
If it gets to bad ill just do dashboard confessionals :) jay kay!

Roadtrip! California! August 10th!
YES!

I like having a job. I Love having money. It would be easier if I loved my job.
Its not bad. Its just...shitt

Olive Garden tonight! Yessss! Afterwards: I hope some Nikki Beebe time!

PS) I eat out to much. Its either because im lazy or because its just so good

11:08pm: PAC MAN has got to be one of the greatest games ever invented.
Ahhhhh!

I wish i could say i was happy to say i only smoke three packs a day
But the weather is getting colder
and we've got no hope of laughter

<3 Actually...i have almost quit.
PeYEW

If its a process then its fake.
Its not about a process, its about a decision.
I will knock it off when i DECIDE to do so.
I wont have to work at it
:)

It made me happy that i commented you
I dont know why.
I thought i hated you
but i think im starting to see why you acted the way you did
and im sorry
I miss you
and the weather

off to smoke the beezy

6:54pm: You may have to say goodbye to me
but it wont ever be a big deal for me
because i will just trap you inside some set of lyrics
and visit you whenever i like

Shut the fuck up
or ill cut you up.
Bitch.

12:45pm: Him
You make him mad...just so you could make it up to him...

5:22pm: Bo Dat
I guess i kinda feel like a bitch now.
But, i cant really help the way i feel.
Solutions.
Its really not that big of a deal...
Little things just get on my nerves.
Im trying not to be so bugged...
Leaving is a good idea
Last resort?
Bonified
<3

1:14pm: For the past 4 years i have been waiting for this moment.
Im graduating
and im finally realizing how much i am going to miss it.
I am excited about college and my future- but that doesnt stop me from missing everything i have ever known.
And its all gonna go away- one way or another.
Im starting to wonder if the things i thought were so important are really that important or if they were just momentary blemishes on the face of my life.
Im starting to realize that i dont hate the people i thought i hated
i miss them
i miss everything and everyone already.

This summer is going to be last high school summer ever.
Yea, ill have summer vacation in college...but is that really the same?
Im an "adult" now...it hardly seems like after this summer my summers will ever be quite as...childish.

I miss childish already.
I wish i had more time.
and ill be saying that when i am 50 and then when im older and then when i die.

thats depressing
i hope i can make this life what i want!

11:44pm: Botton line:
We're boyfriend girlfriend
Tyler and Rachel are the coolest couple EVER
!

9:01pm: She wished to be honest and virtuous and loyal
She got to thinking about all the things
that had gone wrong
one after another the list began to grow
until the car in front of her seemed to go sooo slow

she was driving home
she saw an emo boy
with his thumb pointed to the road
he got in
and pulled a gun
he demanded she do things for his own fun
she stared
and didnt care.
"Shoot me" she said "do it i dare, i really dont care. In fact you will be doing us a favor."
She shook his gun in the air
and yelled and screamed
"I REALLY DONT CARE. I HATE YOU ALL"

The end.

8:45pm: Modest Mouse - Black Cadillacs Lyrics
And it's true we named our children
after towns that we've never been to.
And it's true that the clouds just hung around
like black Cadillacs outside a funeral.

And we were done, done, done
with all the fuck, fuck, fuckin' around.
You were so true to yourself.
You were true to no one else.
Well I should put you in the ground.

I've got the time, I got the hours,
I got the days, I got the weeks.
I could say to myself
I've got the words but I can't speak.
Well I was done, done, done
with all the circ, circ, circlin' round.

I didn't die and I ain't complainin'.
I ain't blamin' you.
I didn't know that the words you said to me
meant more to me than they ever could you?
I didn't lie and I ain't sayin'
I told the whole truth.
I didn't know that this game we were playin'
even had a set of rules.

We named our children after towns
that we've never been to.
And it's true that the clouds just hunger around
like black Cadillacs outside a funeral.
And we were laughing at the stars
while our feet clung tight to the ground.
So pleased with ourselves
for using so many verbs and nouns.

But we were all still just dumb, dumb, dumber
than the dirt, dirt, dirt on the ground.
Well wings on flames, kings with no names,
well this place just ain't got right air right now.
You were so all over town but still so Crayola brown.
Well you should run 'round yourself right now.
And we were done, done, done
with all the fuck, fuck, fuckin' around.
Circlin' round.





This is me.

7:56pm: "Still you feed us lies from the table cloth"
Change is a good thing.
But dont forget where you came from.

"I saw her laugh then she said...go away...i saw her laugh then she said, then she said...go awayyyyyyyy"


this wont last long, this wont last long
thats all your gonna hear
and who knows

I wish i beleived in fate and signs. But i dont.
I really think that things just happen. Fault is obvious
and the lines are in black and white
and were all going to grow up and die
and hopefully you lived before that happened.

Oh, i am so emo.

:)

But seriously. It easier then you think to forget about loyalty.
It easy to forget what used to matter
because for you its the begining of new loyalties
Im not really sure what im looking for in a man.
a guy
a boy
a lova

but i can tell you that i wish that i could find a guy that was loyal
to me
and to all of his friends

i wish that his loyalty was his most attributed quality
and when i go to sleep by him at night
i wish that i could smile,
knowing that he felt the same way i did
and that his loyalty would never end.

"You should have never trusted hollywood"

I smiled at him everyday for 2 months
and even though i would tell you i loved him with all of my heart
i always knew that this wasnt healthy
and i had to get away

Im a freak a freak a freak

Please dont displace your friends for your boyfriends
Whatever love you have

Love is great.
Is love all there is to life?
I am wondering?

Okay, random.
bye

1:53pm: Its cause i love this song <3
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after an
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

4:35pm: Concerning my bullitin
Dude i am such a bitch
i know it
but fuck it
DONT MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THINGS THAT DO NOT MATTER
okay i addmit i played him A LITTLE
but dude...i only thought he might be interesting
and he jsut turned out to be...wierd
hahaha
w.e.

10:06pm: Prom wasnt what i expected
Im sure you could riddle off a million reasons why
"i didnt go with a guy i liked, i didnt do this, i should have done that"
but the bottom line is
I didnt care.
& i still dont.

A really special friend of mine said to me "that night should have been amazing.
you deserve at least one perfect night to remember"
and she is right
I do

Im sick of running and never winning
im sick of walking away from things
i wish stuff would jsut work itself out without me having to care aobut it so much.

I wish that jsut one wish would come true for once

--- Id like to say to you---

1. You have changed. I have noticed. I think you are amazing and i always have. But i have never told you how much i care. I hope that one day i will be able to tell you how much i care and everyone else to.

2. Youve been such a huge part of my life in such a short amount of time and there are a million memories ill always have of you...that is what i get. And its one of the best going away presents anyone will ever give me.

3. I dont think you realize how dear you are to me. How you set the standard for being great. How i hope that i will always be able to call you my friend. Friend is such a beautiful word.

4. I used to think you were fake. I used to think i was another pawn and you didnt truly care. But then- you know exactally what to say to me when im down and its not that i smile instantly- but you lead me down the path to realizing something great. Thats a gift.

5. I could hang out with you everyday and i would never get sick of you. Never.

6. I wish i didnt care as much as i do. I wish you were just another friend i have. I wish you werent so great. I wish i didnt blow off highschool. Your the only person that makes me regret it. And not because you say anything about it.

7.

9:29am: here's to the nights we felt alive. here's to the tears we knew we would cry...tomarrow is to soon
So today is prom?

8:54pm: ADD
I wish you would BUTT out
seriously
its hard to live my life when someones always looking over my shoulder

Im the kid that waits for the teacher to stop hovering before i finish the problem

i wish that i didnt feel like all my relatioships are tied up in you and yours.

It makes it so hard to make up my mind, it makes it so hard to be real and not try and fake it

just let me be

7:56pm: Shes fast forward, blow up in time, frozen forever
from the perception of a boy about 9
Says baby its time its time

Wish i didnt care as much as i do
but thats just that
theres nothing i can do

Wish i could let things slip me by
like the bathroom light left on till 2
I say its cool its cool


I hate you i love you i wish you would die
your voice is a quake up under my lie

We talk in what ifs and shouldnts and coulds
and slide by life
as if we could
should
would

Driving driving driving away
im different from what you think i may say

i wish i wish i wish i wish
i wish i could jsut drive away

3:14pm: Its hard for me to let someone else
whos wrong
and so obviously wrong
and stupid
get the last word in

Its hard...
The hardest thing for me to do in the whole world
to let someone have the last word when i have so many things to say

to prove you wrong
to tell you off
to vent my mind

But whatever
sometimes the hardest things in life are what make you stronger

So for once in my life.

Fine you win

I know how good that feels

I have hope that i can fade out of your life as quickly and quitely as you did mine...


Damn...there i go again...:(

hahaha, but anyway- ill talk with you lovelys latter
Schooooooool :0

5:56pm: Not gonna get us, not gonna get us
Live journal just gets me into trouble :/
so what so what so what so what

Upon return i just felt different
and things lead to more things
and my life is changed
somewhat for the worse and somewhat for the better

and then i got really mad
and didnt have any fun for a few days

and now i miss him so much
[Despite what i say]
and i dont know what to say
so im just keeping it all to myself

I dont like this place
or the people in it
[for the most part]


I wish i could just go away.
Nothing is working out here.
I wans to run run away

Prom is in like 2 weeks
I have a date
and now i have my dress and shoes
and then the year is almost over
And. i. dont. care. at. all.

3:28pm: Goodbye is goodbye
however you wish to present it.
It could even be
"Ill never say goodbye your in my life forever."

You know when its goodbye...
but you dont say all the things you wanted to
because your both pretending like its not over.

I love thinking perfectly random one liners that could quite possibly have more of an effect on my life than any seminar on life. Love. And loss.

I dont think i can really trust the people i think i can.

Fuck you you little "Bird"
Fuck you fuck you fuck you.
.


If you feel the need to "talk about it behind my back" then you are a coward.
Nothing in my life is up for people to gossip about
these are my decisions.
and ill stick by them
with no regrets
so fuck you for making me a display show for you and your good friend to talk about

fuck you.
Ill get you back.
all of you.